You’re a rising corporate employee hoping to be C.E.O. one day. You have the talent, vision and the drive to make it happen. All you need is time and experience. While you accumulate these key attributes that will one day take you to the top and away from the silly day-to-day mundane goings-on of your current position, you’ll have to deal with sometime rude, crude co-workers. They see your talent and resent you for it. They say little catty and cutting remarks designed to take you down a peg. If you’re arrogant, this may be justified and may be good medicine. If not, it could cause damage to your relationship with them. Be mindful: they may work for you some day. The last thing you need is a group of vengeful employees bent on taking you down. What you could use is a good supply of putdowns!

Putdowns are witty one line comebacks or insults that, when used properly, can fend off any enemy who aims to put you down. A putdown puts you in the dominant position and reminds the verbal attacker that they can’t just push you around without the possibility of embarrassment in front of their colleagues. Here are a few one liners you can use when you’re being cut down by co-workers:

It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.

His teeth are brighter than he is.

I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely incidental.

What am I? Flypaper for Freaks?

The eyes open, the mouth moves, but Mr. Brain has long since departed, hasn’t it?

You’re never comfortable eating with your family - they use knives and forks!

I’ve always wanted to drown my troubles, but you don’t want to go swimming!

I won’t say that I’m the best manager in the business, but I’m in the top one….

A doctor gave you six months to live. You couldn’t pay your bill, so he gave you another six months.

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

I could give you more, but I don’t think you’ll need more. This list represents some of the best putdowns ever. Here’s a hidden tip: the key is not in the joke as much as in the delivery of it. Be aloof, calm, sure of yourself when delivering these putdowns. Acting in any other manner kills the effectiveness of the comeback. Make sure there are others present, but you can deliver these one-on-one if you’re good enough. Look at your target in the eye. Eye contact lets your target know who your victim is. The key to humor is context. It’s a must have!

This has been an attempt at humor. The need to be able to think quickly on your feet is real. You’ll be an asset to any company with a quick mind. A good talent for an impending corporate executive.

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